Why we love a difficult conversation
High stakes often lead to highly charged conversations.
Be it explaining an overrunning project, addressing underperformance or even discussing flexible ways of working, difficult conversations are part and parcel of life.
Nobody courts a difficult conversation. It’s why our automatic response is often to charge in to get it over with or worse, to avoid it and hope the problem somehow goes away. Both inevitably tend to make matters worse.
Disagreement and debate are essential in any functioning team. Difficult conversations that surface a problem are rarely the cause of it. It’s far more likely the issue’s already brewing, the disagreement merely uncovers it. Handled well, it’s far better to get it out in the open than allow it to gain hidden momentum and cause a destructive undercurrent.
So rather than dread a discussion, let’s start with a slight reframe. While instigating the conversation may feel challenging, proactively seeking out disquiet can prevent a relationship or project derailing further down the line.
The key, of course, is how to handle these conversations well, so here are five suggestions for removing some of the difficulty and discomfort.
Press the pause button. It’s not always possible but when you can, take time to prepare and plan. What’s the nub of the problem? What might really be going on that you’re too close or far to see? How’s the best way to open this conversation (both words and tone) to get it off to a constructive start? What would you be thinking, saying, doing or feeling were you on the other side of this conversation?
Seek first to understand. Many disagreements stem from inaccurate assumptions or misinterpretation, which is why there’s a positive correlation between curiosity and constructive conversations. Asking questions rather than making statements will immediately improve your discussion. Creating a safe space where people feel heard and respected will help lower the temperature and will lead to better outcomes.
Listen. Not the type of listening most of us do every day, which is basically waiting to speak or offer advice, but the type of listening that is open to learning something we didn’t know and may lead us to change our mind, position or approach.
Silence is your friend. We shy away from silence because it feels uncomfortable. Yet silence is a powerful tool when we don’t rush to fill it. If emotions start running high, we can summon silence and use the quiet to draw breath, process what we are hearing, reset and refocus. And when we ourselves are becoming defensive, silence offers us the space to pause and think, so our next response is productive.
Avoid the blame game. Looking for whose fault something is only blocks the path forward. We work in a complex world and rely on interdependent, imperfect systems. When things go wrong, it’s unlikely to be the fault of any one person and, even if that’s the case, pointing the finger paralyses progress. Keeping the conversation focused on the future helps avoid apportioning blame and gets to what matters most… resolution.
‘What can we put in place or do differently now to get us back on track to avoid this happening again?’
It takes courage to speak up and say what we believe is important and true, especially when we know others may disagree with us. We should value that authenticity in ourselves but also in others who have opposing views and the conviction to speak up.
Having difficult conversations is part of life, particularly for leaders. But allowing them to be disruptive, disappointing or disengaging is not. There is much we can do to dampen those emotions that tend to make these conversations difficult. And, while these suggestions aren’t exhaustive, they can certainly make it much easier to find the common ground for a far more constructive conversation.
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