The Comms Mistake You Didn’t Know You Were Making – And How to Fix It
“Shoulda, woulda, coulda are the last words of a fool,” sang Beverley Knight more than two decades ago. Yet aren’t we still fools, frequently using these words and worse - subtly conveying judgement or disappointment in ourselves and others?
Conversing is so natural to us that, for the most part, it comes as easy as breathing. In other words, we tend not to give it much thought. Our reactions and word choices are automatic, even habitual, so we forget that the words we utter or mutter all too often lead to hurt and pain, harming our cause.
Satya Nadella, upon becoming Microsoft’s CEO in 2014, quickly recognised the transformative power of language in leadership. Soon after his appointment, he made headlines by gifting his top executives Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Non Violent Communication – underscoring the critical role of compassionate communication and its impact on corporate culture, wellbeing, and business outcomes.
But imagine finding this book on your desk, accompanied by a note from your new CEO. Would you see it as a valuable resource or politely put it in your desk drawer to read at a less busy time, which inevitably never comes?
Now, as then, many leaders might glance at the book’s title and dismiss it, thinking, “My language isn’t violent.” But what if that assumption is wrong? What if, as this book reveals, our everyday language choices and our reactions to the choices of others are undermining our relationships, stifling collaborations, and effectively hurting outcomes?
In our increasingly polarised world, even discussing the weather, once considered a safe and polite go-to topic of conversation, can spiral into a divisive debate about climate change.
This is why understanding and applying the principles of Non Violent Communication is more essential than ever. Communicating with clarity, decency, and compassion enables us to foster healthier relationships, ultimately achieving more positive outcomes.
What is Non Violent Communication (NVC)?
Often called Compassionate Communication, NVC is an approach to communicating that reframes how we express ourselves and hear others. At its core, it’s about going beyond hearing the words someone uses to identify what a person is needing. Being able to do this is the unlock to more compassionate and productive conversations.
From self-criticism to self-coaching
We often talk internally to ourselves far more harshly than we’d ever talk outwardly to someone else.
Be it a perceived failure such as an unfavourable outcome or an unrealistic comparison of our abilities, we often get stuck in a painful cycle of self-criticism, only to then criticise ourselves even more for being so hard on ourselves! These patterns can hold us back, making it difficult to achieve our potential.
By applying NVC principles internally, we can foster self-compassion and clarity. This internal shift from self-critic to self-coach enhances our effectiveness, enabling us to approach challenges with a balanced and constructive mindset. And instead of spiralling into a loop of self-criticism for a mistake (real or imagined), we can respond far more healthily and productively.
As the ancient saying goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup”. That’s why this work starts with having compassion when talking to ourselves, so we can then find the courage and capacity to extend it to others.
And what about our interactions with others?
Our conflicts with others often mirror our own inner struggles, meaning our reactions are more about how we see things than what others actually say or do.
As we start to better understand our own needs, we also get better at listening for the needs of others, beyond their words. This enhances our interactions and creates more collaborative working environments.
Steps to enhance your communication today
Beyond reading the book - which is an easy read and packed with practical ways to break out of our hard-to-notice communication habits - try these three things:
Give the benefit of the doubt. Try to see the best in people even if you find it hard to understand (or like) how their words sound.
Get curious. Start looking and listening beyond the words and ask yourself - what’s the real need here?
Look forward not back. Instead of dwelling on what went wrong or who to blame, focus on what can be done right now to meet the current needs and achieve resolution.
In the end, whether our communication helps or hurts our cause depends on our willingness to be mindful of our words and the impact they have.
Especially when in a position of power, our words carry weight. Embracing the principles of Non Violent Communication can transform more than just our internal dialogue; it can also enhance the way we connect with others, leading to greater clarity, decency, and effectiveness in our leadership. This is great for our well-being plus it creates a more positive, kind, and collaborative working environment for everyone.
Whether it’s picking up Rosenberg’s excellent book—which still stands the test of time—or trying one of the techniques shared here, taking action today will help you become a clearer, more compassionate, and ultimately more effective communicator.
September 2024
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